12.31.19
2019. I can write a book about you. If I did, there would be two chapters: the first six months and the last six months, only because they feel like two different lifetimes. So much has happened, so much has changed. I am not the same person I was in January. I am not the same person I was in July. I'm not even the same person I was on yesterday. It’s been difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that one situation brought up so much for me – so much hurt, so much trauma, and so much pain that I had been carrying for so long and never dealt with, but I am so grateful for the experience, for I have grown tremendously. I saw a post online that said, “there is no race to heal, it’s okay to be impacted by your life challenges” and that was extremely affirming and validating. Healing is a very complicated process. And it is very personal. It’s lonely, messy, it takes time and it hurts. The process sucks but it’s so necessary to go through to move on with your life. 2019 has been a wild ride and I couldn’t be more ecstatic to put this year behind me.
I was very uncomfortable for majority of the year, but it only made room for the growth that would occur. My entire being was questioned. My entire view of myself fell apart. I did everything I thought I could do to keep my world from collapsing but it still did and *surprise* I survived. This was a tough year, but oddly, I'm grateful for it. Reflecting back, the theme of this year was: growth, vulnerability, and openness. I’m especially grateful for my friends and family that have held me down and supported me during this time. I’m also grateful for the people that I met along this journey and have crossed paths with to help me get to the point I’m at now, for I know that I will never be the same. I am not the same. Sometimes we go through things and experience things that completely change us. There were times when I found myself wishing to get back to the “old me,” but that person no longer exists, and I am okay with that. This new and improved me will be so much better, stronger, and smarter than the version before.
I recently read the book, The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer and oh my, was it eye-opening and life-changing. He talked about how happiness is a choice and that we as individuals can ultimately change the trajectory of our lives by simply letting go and keeping our hearts open. A few quotes from the book that stuck with me are below:
"True personal growth is about transcending the part of you that is not okay and needs protection."
"The more you are willing to just let the world be something you're aware of, the more it will let you be who you are."
"Life is continuously changing, and if you're trying to control it, you'll never be able to fully live it."
"In order to grow, you must give up the struggle to remain the same and learn to embrace change at all times."
"The prerequisite to true freedom is to decide that you do not want to suffer anymore."
In total transparency, I can acknowledge that I did a lot of distracting and avoiding this healing process during these past few months and I made a vow to myself to not carry the baggage from this past year into the year 2020 and I’m working towards that. I’m working on me for me. I’m keeping my heart open. I'm being more open to change. I’m letting go and allowing myself to receive the healing that I need to move forward. I am more mindful of the words and thoughts that I put out into the universe because manifestation is real. I am more mindful of the energy that I hold inside. When you know better, you do better, and I’m trying to do better; to get to the best version of myself. With that being said, I have no resolutions for the year, but I am making room for the things I want to receive. Going into 2020, I’m manifesting peace, love, happiness, healing, success, balance, clarity, motivation, strength, and prosperity. One of my favorite parts about this time of year is the fresh start that we get. A chance to start over with a clean slate. And I’m looking forward to it. No more dwelling on the past. I'm releasing and letting go. I know that blessings are coming my way and I’m making room to receive them. After all, when you let go of what no longer serves you, you create space for what’s meant to be.
So, it is done.
Happy healing and Happy New Year.
Sending love, light, & peace,
TJL